Coherent Insanity: Dating tips you need to know

By Patrick Fleming
On September 14, 2017

Patrick Fleming
Staff Writer

Hello, everyone, it’s good ol’ Patrick again.

Now, a bunch of people have been asking me to help them with their love lives, mostly how to find a significant other and create a relationship.

Well, if there is anything everyone knows about me from reading all of my past columns it is that I am just the person to ask about this kind of stuff.

So here is some grade C (PASSING) advice for when you find that special someone, or, failing that, when you find someone.

1.) Do your makeup: I do not care what gender you are, sometimes, you just gotta paint that face to look pretty.

At best, it will make you look more attractive. At worst, it makes you harder to recognize as you make your escape from an incredibly awkward conversation.

As a quick tip, you should probably avoid zombie or vampire makeup.

2.) Talk to them: Though it sounds simple in theory, this is actually hard for a lot of people. For some reason, when talking to someone they have a crush on, a person can freeze up or run away as though they were confronted with an angry orangutan.

Some of my advice is to just come out from the bushes and talk to them. Preferably without them noticing that you’ve been hiding in the bushes watching them.

That tends to throw people off.

3.) Don’t be a jerk: Look, most people do not react nicely to someone who constantly insults them or makes them feel like a lesser person.

This is often called "negging", which makes most of the people around you want to baseball-throw you into the sun, or even worse, not want to date you.

4.) Do be a jerk: Okay, in some cases this actually works. I will never know exactly how but some people have the kind of charisma to pull it off.

However, if you choose to go this route, keep an eye out for people who actually look like they could baseball-throw you into the sun. It never hurts to be cautious.

5.) ASK THEM OUT: Look, this may seem obvious, but it is a similar problem to that of talking to them.

It is wayyyy easier in theory. For some reason, as soon as it comes into practice, people hesitate.

Even if two people are hitting it off incredibly well, one of them, let’s call them person 1, will have the dread that as soon as they ask Person 2 out, Person 2 will suddenly freak out and begin a dreaded kung -fu battle that lasts three hours.

Now, as someone who has participated in a few fights like this, I have to say that the risk is worth the reward.

At least it is most of the time.

6.) Brag: This is something that I do on a nearly minute-basis, but you should show people what is different or special about you. They should know all of your coolest skills and, of course, if you do not have any…

7.) Lie: Because that never backfires later.

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