Coherent Insanity: How to Survive the Flu Season

By Patrick Fleming
On September 7, 2017

Patrick Fleming

Well, it’s officially September, which means that flu season is coming pretty soon and that everyone needs to be prepared for it.

Some people will ignore this article, thinking "While, Patrick is a particularly handsome man, I think the flu season is not that bad."

To those people, thank you. Also, it’s too late for you.

You see, we often forget that disease is always out there, watching and waiting for us to slip up so that it can lunge at us and destroy us.

It’s just like the dozens of evil, bloodthirsty spider-clowns waiting in the bushes and trees around campus.

So instead of listening to those pesky doctors, here are my tips for surviving the flu season.

1.) Wash your hands: I know everyone says to do this, but it is really a handy tip.

Yet, most people only say to wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

Instead, you should be washing your hands all of the time. Like, every three minutes, even if you have not touched anything.

You see, germs are often airborn and can sink in through the pores on your skin, so you must get rid of them as often as possible.

2.) Stay away from all people: Because people carry germs with them. Germs that can destroy your entire life and in rare cases, take your job.

The only safe thing to do is to stay in your home and not to leave without protection, like a sanitation bottle, some bleach, or a flamethrower.

If you are in a committed relationship, let your significant other know that you cannot be together anymore and it is not because you do not love them anymore. The problem is just their germ-ridden face.

I’m sure they’ll understand.

3.) Wear a mask: Many people around campus will wear a surgeon’s mask to help keep them and others from getting sick.

This is a good idea on its own and I have often used the same method while at a McDonald’s, but why does it have to be a surgeon’s mask?

If anything, you should wear a monster mask so that people are far less likely to approach you and coat you with their germs.

4.) Don’t eat: Food has germs in it.

5.) Inoculate yourself: If you are becoming desperate or hungry because you are not a warrior like me, you can try to directly infect yourself with the disease to try to get your immune system to build up a defense against it.

You can do this by running up to every sick person and having them sneeze in your face, or by not listening to anything else I have said in this article.

There are some risks though, like the fact that if you overdo it, you will just become infected with the full version of the flu, which ruins the whole point of your messy breakup.

Or I guess you could just get a vaccination… like a quitter.

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