Coherent Insanity: Finding the Right Facial Hair

By Patrick Fleming
On August 31, 2017

Patrick Fleming
Staff Writer

Hello, loyal readers!

After spending a long summer in the Saharan desert being hunted by several hitmen, I have finally returned to ASU.

You’re welcome.

Yes, you are looking at my picture correctly. I have grown a magnificent beard that would make even the most proud of Norse Gods jealous.

I have named it Kevin.

Yet, with so many Freshman now coming to school, I realized that many of them have never had the chance to grow major facial hair before.

Because of that, I have decided that I will tell each of you different facial hair styles.

Just a quick note, many people believe that it is the facial hair that makes the man. This is not true. It can make a woman too if they have scissors and glue.

If a person tries to grow a beard or mustache they are not worthy of, it will simply dissolve into a fine ooze that will burn like battery acid or like the knowledge that your parents don’t love you.

1.) The Mustache: Now, mustaches take many forms ranging from the thin line on someone’s lip that make it look like someone drew on them with a sharpie to the thick bush that people can get lost in if they are not careful.

These are both acceptable styles, however, mustaches can only really be pulled off by strict people in positions of authority like a manager or parent.

A random college student growing a mustache is still fine, but people will either assume that you have a child hiding around the corner or that you are getting ready to yell at them about something stupid like their faces.

2.) The goatee: As the evil cousin of the mustache, a goatee is usually reserved for Heisenberg or other bald people who make bad decisions. For example, shaving your head and growing a goatee to look like Heisenberg.

Sure, the goatee might make you look cool, but because of this, there will always be more pressure to act cool too.

Be ready to drink that coffee black, ride that dangerous motor-unicycle, and even stop feeling emotions (except for blind fury).

3.) The beard: Like what I have, the common beard covers the majority of a person’s face and can extend downward much like a tail. This is how they got their common nickname, face-tails.

Now, a beard can be stylish but some downsides are that it supposedly makes you look unprofessional, you get food stuck in there, and you’ll have to wash it.

The upsides are that you will get food stuck in there and you’ll also look like a wizard.

4.) Sideburns: I will only warn you once. Only Wolverine or Hugh Jackman can pull off sideburns.

If you are neither but still decide to wear sideburns, you are a monster and must be destroyed.

5.) Clean-shaven: This is often a choice for those who cannot handle the commitment that goes into having a beard.

Man, it’s good to be back.

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