Coherent Insanity: Finding a job 101

By Patrick Fleming
On April 27, 2017

Hey everyone, it is good ol’ Patrick again.

This is going to be the last time that I will be writing to you at least until summer is over.

Before you start crying and demanding more work every week, I just have to say, Dude, no.

Stuff happens, like the fact that the Ram Page does not run through the summer and the fact that my dark past is starting to catch up to me, and I might have to hide out for a while.

However, I realize that a lot of people will be needing a job over the summer, so I thought that instead of trash-talking everyone else at work like I planned, I would instead use this column to give you all some tips on how to get hired.

1.) Find a good job: First off, you cannot have a job if you cannot even find one.

You can find them in many places including online, posters around campus/the city, and in the deep underground of a criminal organization.

2.) Dress for the job you want, not the job you have: This is especially true during the interview because you want the interviewer to see the best version of you.

You want them to believe that you can be both professional and easy to approach.

I highly recommend dressing up in knight’s armor because it lets everyone know that not only are you able to file paperwork, but you are also willing to slay a dragon if it is needed.

And who does not want to be a knight? In fact, if you are not willing to wear heavy armor during the hot summers around here, I don’t think you deserve a job.

3.) Touch up on your resume: Yes, this is common knowledge, but people often forget how important it actually is.

A resume is a great way to stand out among other applicants as the most qualified person for a job.

Or it would be if you were not an inexperienced college student.

A great way around this problem is lying.

Make yourself out to be one of the most qualified people for this job ever, or, failing that, just pretend you actually know what you’re talking about.

Trying to get a mechanic job? Just keep talking about carbonators. Trying to get a waiter/waitress job? Just keep talking about carrying stuff to people.

4.) Destroy the competition: After making sure your resume is up to date, I would say, find a way to steal all of the other applications that your company of choice is going to receive. That way, they will only receive yours and they can’t hire anyone else if there is no one else to hire.

It also does not hurt, find out where they live and throw a live, furious octopus through their window as a warning.

In fact, throw an octopus through the window of the person who gave you an interview also.

That should send the message that you’re not taking no for an answer.

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