Coherent Insanity: How to Find Food

By Patrick Fleming
On April 20, 2017

A while back, I talked to you guys about surviving the holidays as a broke college student.

Well, I realized that food costs a lot of money, or at least, a whole lot more than most students may believe when first coming to college.

Because of this, many students may find themselves suddenly becoming desperate for anything to eat.

So I thought that I would give some tips on how to get something to eat on a college student’s budget.

1.) Steal it: This is my answer to most of life’s dilemmas and this problem is no different.

Any time you see someone who is eating what looks to be something delicious from a restaurant, most of the time, they are not really protective of it.

Food is not something most people believe will be stolen from them at any given time because most people have not lived to that point of desperation.

They do not know what it is like.

Unlike you, that is.

2.) Get creative: Even though you may not be able to afford expensive meats like steak, dolphin, ewok, or salmon, we often forget that if it is cooked the right way, cheap foods can also be fantastic (fantastically okay. This is life, not Masterchef).

For example, a microwaved Hot-Pocket, an old textbook, and warm milk make a fine, mashed soup that, after a few tries, does not taste exactly like the epitome of evil.

However, if you are going to experiment with cooking food like this, clear your schedule because it can really ruin your day.

A friend who had dinner at my house learned that the hard way.

It literally ruined his life.

3.) Gather plants from around campus.

There are plenty of trees and bushes around campus and even though there is not any fruit in them that will not poison you, the leaves just look delicious.

Also, there are usually a bunch of acorns scattered around campus, which go fantastic with a cup of coffee (for more information on how to get coffee, refer to step 1).

Even bark from a tree might be good if you can find/steal some ketchup packets from a restaurant.  

4.) Hunt for it: There are also plenty of huntable animals around campus that people are not even trying to eat.

And no, I am not talking about the squirrels.

Those puffballs’ cheery smiles and erratic behavior always lighten up my day.

Labeling myself as their protector, I would not allow anyone on campus to even touch the squirrels, except to pet them or be attacked by them.

I am talking about the pigeons and other birds on campus. They just look like they would taste like chicken.

Who knows, maybe that can be a new thing.

5.) Ask your parents for money: This one can be awfully embarrassing since you are supposed to be independent now (on how to avoid this embarrassment, once again, refer to step 1).

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