Coherent Insanity: How to look like me

By Patrick Fleming
On April 13, 2017

After a while of writing this column, many people have been asking me how I can maintain my lifestyle without getting tired or having a heart-attack. Well, it’s because I remain in good shape. I realized that being incapable of the same physical feats as me may prevent others from being awesome like me, so here is how I stay in shape.

1.) Run: Of course, this is one of the most common ways that people work out and it can be very good for one’s heart and abs and other muscles.

However, a problem with this workout is that it is easily tiring and many people find it hard to keep themselves motivated.

Of course, this is never a problem for me, what with police and fans constantly chasing me around campus, but for some of my friends this can be a major problem.

That is why I collected buckets of spiders which I dump onto the ground any time they begin to stop running.

Yet, it’s not only spiders.

Are you afraid of clowns? Just hire someone to follow you around while dressed as a clown.

Scared of muggers? Give that same person a knife. Now you’re being chased by a mugger clown.

Commitment? Give that same person a box of chocolates and a card that says "I love you".

The only problem with this is that by combining all of these elements, eventually, you may accidentally create the scariest being on Earth.

2.) Lift boulders or any large object: And throw them at your enemies. Not only will this help build up the muscle in your abs, biceps and thighs, but the fear that people will start to show every time you go to the gym is fantastic for your ego, which is really just another reason we work out in the first place.

Just be careful when you start and only throw these large objects at people who are already smaller than you.

It will not help you stay in shape if you simply get your butt kicked by someone who is 30 pounds heavier than you.

Start in places with smaller people like gyms at elementary schools and work your way up to college gyms.

3.) Have a healthy diet: While most people would say stop eating junk foods, we know that is not going to happen.

Most people already know that humans need protein to create more muscle, so I say just eat as much protein as possible to help balance out all of the sugars you are putting into your body.

While talking with some people, I will start eating a whole lot of raw eggs with their shells. The only problem is the mess.

I also chow down on spiders, which scares people. I understand, but I still have all these buckets of spiders I have to get rid of, one way or another.

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