Coherent Insanity: Fear the toilet...

By Patrick Fleming
On March 30, 2017

Movies That Need To Be Made: PART I

For anyone who has been reading this column for a while, you must be thinking, jeez, you’re really smart. You should be put in charge of stuff.”

Well, I agree with you entirely, faithful reader, so I decided to tell Hollywood what movies I want to see made. Because of my charm and utter disregard for human life, I am sure they will listen.

I have seen those Planet of the Apes movies and they are pretty entertaining with some good action, acting and writing that helps show the darker side of humanity as well as what it means to be intelligent.

Really, they are great except for one thing. Apes are not menacing.

I have seen apes at zoos, we have already conquered them, but do you want to know who we have not conquered? Someone or something we trust entirely?

Toilets.

Have you ever had your guard up against a toilet? I mean, other than ones at gas stations?

I think not. This makes them the perfect predator if they decided to attack us one day.

Ever since I had this idea, I have stared at my toilet in fear. So I say, let this become something that everyone is terrified of.  

The story begins with a virus that suddenly breaks out from a secret government laboratory. The scientists are not so worried because humans cannot be infected by this disease.

Two of them are in the bathroom when they laugh it off, but when these scientists leave, from the corner of the screen, the audience will see a single toilet shake for no reason.

Then, we get to see our main character, Joe Averageman, who is shown to be an everyday kind of guy who has a family of two, interchangeable kids and a beautiful wife who like, really loves him.

Suddenly, on the news, there is some panic just as Joe Averageman starts to go to the bathroom.

Then, he notices something is wrong.

His toilet, that his family has trusted for so long now has giant, razor-sharp teeth.

“Hm, that’s different,” he will say as the toilet lunges at his face.

Of course, Joe Averageman fights his toilet to the death and barely wins.

His family takes to the streets to see that the entire city of SomePlace is in complete chaos as the toilets take more and more control.

Joe Averageman takes his family to hide in a tall building with some other survivors as they slowly go insane from not being able to politely go to the bathroom anymore.

Then they realize that humans are the real monsters as each of the survivors turn on each other.

They run out of basic needs like food and Wi-Fi.

Then, when all hope seems to be lost, the U.S. Army shows up in a helicopter and saves them.

This also leaves room for four sequels, a spinoff and two reboots, so get on it Hollywood, or I will!

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