Coherent Insanity: How to Horror

By Patrick Fleming
On March 23, 2017

Hey, guess who it is….

It’s Patrick again. I mean, who else would it be? That was a trick question.

You failed.

Anyways, I have been really getting into horror movies as well as horror games recently and realized that I really enjoy it.

I decided I had an obligation to tell you all how to have a proper horror experience.

1. Do it completely alone in the dark. The horror genre is meant to cause fear in a person and make them genuinely uncomfortable. Turning off the lights and being alone can certainly help someone do this because it helps bring to mind that no one will be helping them.

This can be done by telling your friends and family not to call you, or even better, not to have friends or family in the first place.

Unless of course, you are reading a scary book, in which case, enjoy your Goosebumps with the nightlight turned on and make sure your parents do not know you’re staying up so late, they might ground you.

...What I’m saying is that you’re a child. Why can’t you mindlessly watch television or mash at a controller like the rest of us?

2. Make yourself a snack to eat. Most people enjoy popcorn or chips, but I feel that this can really take you out of the horror experience. I mean, being able to eat delicious popcorn can remind you that you are safe and the horrible things you are watching are not really happening.

To remedy this, I suggest barely cooked hamburger meat with no spice or have oysters which have a weird, gooey flavor that is just… terrible. So terrible, in fact, that this may scare you more than any movie will.

I guarantee that doing this will really make you sick and help keep you uncomfortable.

3. Sacrifice a lamb/Perform a dark ritual. Nothing really helps create a sense of unease like the guilt that you have done something inherently wrong, like make a sacrifice to some dark god.

Not only will you feel more involved in the movie, but you will have a genuine fear for your life.

Just remember not to perform the ritual too well or else you may be attacked by real demons and creatures, which would probably be a little too far.

Unless of course, you are like, really, really into horror. In that case, I admire your dedication.

4. Become seriously paranoid. If everything is done correctly, you will find that even going to the bathroom is nearly impossible out of a tremendous fear that there is something waiting for you in the darkness.

5. Get barely any sleep. And the sleep you do get will be filled with nightmares until you wake up, completely drenched in sweat and afraid to move a muscle.

Regret every life choice you have ever made, especially that sacrifice.

That, is how to have a great horror experience.

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