Coherent Insanity: Road Rage

By Patrick Fleming
On March 2, 2017

I have not had my license for long, but it would appear to me that most people are horrible at driving.

Unless, of course, you are me, so I thought I would give you all a guide to how to drive like a champion.

*NOTE FROM THE RAM PAGE, PATRICK PLEASE STOP DOING THESE "HOW TO" ARTICLES. PEOPLE CAN GET HURT*

1.) Honk at literally everyone: The horns were made for a very good reason, which is to gain people’s attention and keep them on their toes.

When you honk at someone, you are making sure that their attention is not drawn to something else or to wake them up when they are sleeping, like I do when I am driving.

You are showing that you care and that you do not want them to get hurt.

Unless, of course, you are angry at someone. Then you will have to beep even harder while yelling at them, using insults you made up on the fly that help reflect the darker side of your soul.

2.) Drive on the sidewalk: sometimes the road has too many cars on it, but you know where there are not any cars? The sidewalk.

Before you feel guilty, you should realize that it can be very helpful for any joggers you may come across.

Nothing really motivates you to run faster than a giant, metal beast chasing you at a speed of 120 miles an hour and yes, you will be driving 120 miles an hour.

3.) Do tricks whenever possible: now this one requires more skill and practice, but I assure you, it is far more rewarding.

Cars were made to do more than just driving. Why else would they have airbags or seat belts?

Because of this, it is really an insult to never launch yourself 20-30 feet into the air while doing backflips at least once.

DO NOT GO JUMP 31 FEET IN THE AIR. THAT IS DANGEROUS!

4.) Have a car chase: whether it is because you are after the man who killed your father or someone who might have cut you off in traffic, at some point in everyone’s life, they will find themselves in some sort of car chase.

This is fine. In fact, many drivers consider it a rite of passage.

Unless, of course, you are the one being chased by the police for the multitude of traffic laws you are breaking, then it is okay to freak out.

Yes, even though launching your car 30 feet in the air while at a stop light is incredible, it is generally looked down upon by police.

5.) FLY: only true masters of driving can really do this one right.

Like I said, I am only a beginner, so I would not be able to tell you exactly how, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with taping wings on the sides of your car and believing hard enough.

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