Coherent Insanity: Uncontrolled Rage

By Patrick Fleming
On February 23, 2017

As part of a program I probably made up, the Ram Page is currently asking me what I want to do with my life after college is over, or when I am inevitably kicked out.

After they explained that Wandering Samurai Warrior is not a real profession, I sat down and thought about what real jobs that sound like they would not be too stressful, but would still satisfy my bloodlust.

These were the ideas I came up with.

Get ready for your daily dose of awesomeness….

1.) Astronaut: Of course, everyone knows that sometimes, people will be sent to space to hang out with each other and monitor space rocks.

However, what many people do not know is that if we come about evil, face-hugging aliens or other aliens, it must be the astronaut’s job to take care of them.

The astronauts would do this by using their genius to create a flamethrower, chainsaw, or chainsaw gun which is a gun that shoots out miniature chainsaws.

While I do not know how to make said chainsaw gun, I want to be around when it is time to use it and I definitely would like be take part in an epic space battle.

2.) Plumber: Now, I know that this may sound like a normal, boring job, but if I have learned anything after nearly two decades of playing Super Mario Brother games, it is that plumbers can travel to different dimensions to fight weird turtle creatures and use mushrooms and leaves to change forms like some sort of god.

Also, it is probably the only reason anyone in this decade has to ever wear overalls, you know, other than being forced to by gunpoint.

Even that may not be good enough.

3.) President of the United States: This has nothing to do with politics. I just like the idea of everyone addressing me as Mr. President.

"Can I bring you the check, Mr. President?"

"What is up, Mr. President?"

"Why are you just staring at that wall? It’s really starting to creep me out… Mr. President!"

Also, I will be put in charge of several organizations, which I will use to finally create the chainsaw gun, which would be nice to have.  

4.) Boxer: Come on, with all that I have written for you guys, this should be obvious.

I mean, to create cardboard boxes for delivery services would be a fantastic job. Also, you can keep some of the boxes to play with! You can even make cardboard swords with them!

5.) Accountant: Okay, this just sounds like a smart career choice. People will always need to have their finances in check. I really cannot think of any way to make this job violent.

Except for maybe CRUNCHING those numbers. Yeah.

That is about it, but if anyone ever comes up with the chainsaw gun, you know where to find me.

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