Coherent Insanity: Uncontrolled Rage

By Patrick Fleming
On February 16, 2017

Hey, everyone. You may not be able to see this in my writing but I am literally shaking with rage right now.

Today started just like any other day, but then I decided that I would write my article at the library today at my normal seat.

Yet, when I bent over to put my butt into my chair, I noticed something was wrong.

Someone else’s butt was already in my seat.

Yes, I looked down to see that another person was sitting in my seat.

When I politely threatened him to move, he simply told me that he had every right to sit there.

I would have destroyed him with my mind immediately if it was not for the fact that I cannot immediately destroy people with my mind.

Instead, I talked to the management at the library.

Get this, they said there have been complaints about someone who spat food out at everyone around him as he sang the theme song from Cheers.

That had to be someone else. When I spit food out, I shout "Singing in the Rain", that is much more clever.

It is such a coincidence that there are two of us though.

After more heated debate that I lost, I just sat in a different chair.

There I stared at him. He was reading a pretty big book.

He probably thinks he is soooo cool because he has a long enough attention span to - Man, I could go for some ice cream right now.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah, he must think he’s so cool because he knows how to read.

How could he not know that seat was mine?

I have marked it with my crayons and saliva over the course of the last semester.

The smell alone is impressive and should be enough!

No, he had to know it was mine, but he decided to take it anyway.

Yeah, that is it. He must be trying to take over my life.

First it’s my chair, then it’s my dorm, then maybe even my own column!

NO, THIS WOULD STOP NOW!

I was going to find a way to get my seat back, but I had to be subtle and cunning.

I grabbed the closest object to me and threw it at my opponent as I screamed,

"EPIC QUOTE!!!"

The book hit the back of his head with a great thud and the guy fell over.

Then, something caught my gaze.

Just to my left was a small, green chair that was covered in schmutz and smelled like a porta-potty one might find at a landfill during the apocalypse.

Oh, that one was my seat. I was just mistaken.

I mean, it happens to the best of us because I am the best of us.

I was kicked out of the library, but I assure you, I brought my chair with me.

For some reason they did not want it.

Suckers.

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