Coherent Insanity: Apology... NOT

By Patrick Fleming
On February 9, 2017

After some complaints from concerned parents/citizens, Patrick Fleming has been suspended from his column for one week. This is the letter he sent us:

Dear people at the Ram Page,

What is this? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!

Why are you mad?

Is it the fact that I put tacks in everyone’s chairs?

Was it the fact I put tacks in everyone’s coffee?

Was it the fact that I hid in the ceiling while you guys did actual work so that I did not have to share events from my weekend?

Well I’m sorry. To make up for it, I have filled an entire cup full of tacks and am prepared to drink the entire thing.

Or, if that is not enough, I have also prepared a can of Monster Energy Drink, which is just as bad.  

What else did I do wrong?

Was it the fact I gave you guys a fake name?

Okay, fine, but I only gave you the name Patrick Fleming because it is just easier for everyone.

My real name is jrfoeyiad??aei!!feiaofj;eowi the II. Which is a lot easier to pronounce than you think it is. All of the exclamation points and question marks are silent.

Was it my lack of manners? How I usually steal everyone else’s food and tear it into little pieces?

How I growl at people I do not know very well? The fact I might also bite them?

I CAN EXPLAIN THAT!

I was raised by a pack of grey wolves.

Yes, they are the ones who gave me my true name, and trust me, it is a whole lot harder for them to say.

They raised me as one of their own by training me to hunt properly and how to appreciate nature.

Yet, when I was twelve, they realized that I was simply not meant to live like a wolf, so they told me to run away to the humans.

I really think it was because they thought I was a spaz, but whatever.

So I was back in human society, but the only problem is that wolves do not teach you anything important like how to talk to people or do your taxes.

I mean, eating 10 pounds of raw meat within two minutes is pretty impressive, but it is not going to get me a nice job and it turns out, sniffing people’s butts can lose you a good one.

I have put blood, sweat and tears into this job, and even if they were not all mine, I feel as though I should still gain some recognition from it.

What will my readers think?! You know how they are, they might just sit by their windows, worried and scared something might have happened to me, their faithful leader!

Just go back to their own lives? Of course not!

I’m sorry, just let me come back.

Love,

jrfoeyiad??aei!!feiaofj;eowi the II.

P.S. I am not really sorry.

P.S.S. Patrick is not suspended, this is simply the column he wanted to run.

Do not be concerned.

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