Coherent Insanity: Children’s Edition

By Patrick Fleming
On February 2, 2017

Patrick Fleming
Staff Writer

This column will be a little different than usual.

I have been challenged to make an actual story that can be read by the whole family, so here it goes.

Who knows, if it gets enough press, I might be able to make it a children’s book someday.

It was the middle of the apocalypse where all of society had fallen apart. Cannibals ran rampant and were generally a pain to be around.

There was once a small bird with a six-pack by the name of Pablo. Pablo was the most beautiful bird in the remains of a park because of his awesome feathers with flames painted on them.

There was a little girl/epic warrior named The Shreddinator who would visit every day and sing to Pablo while her parents were out doing cannibal things.

Pablo loved The Shreddinator and The Shreddinator loved Pablo, so much, in fact, that one day, he gave her one of his feathers, which she kept in her hair.

One day, the other birds got jealous because Pablo’s feathers were so awesome and they were jerks.

Each night, as Pablo slept, they would steal one of his feathers. One day, Pablo woke up to see that all of his feathers were gone. The other birds laughed at him and mocked him.

"Oh no!" He exclaimed, "Now The Shreddinator will no longer love me!"

So that day, when The Shreddinator came to the park, Pablo hid from her in the remains of a dilapidated car.

"Where are you Pablo?" She asked. Yet, there was no answer.

"Pablo, please, I brought something for you," she said again, but once again, Pablo was far too afraid to confront her.

Then, The Shreddinator began to cry. "Pablo, please, I miss you."

Pablo could not handle it anymore.

He came out from his hiding spot so that The Shreddinator could see him.

"I’m sorry, The Shreddinator," he said. "My feathers are gone, so I thought you would stop loving me."

"What?! I would never stop loving you, Pablo. To me, you are still the most beautiful bird in the entire world, even without your feathers."

"Wow, really?" Pablo asked as a tear ran down his face. "Well, I love you, The Shreddinator."

"But," The Shreddinator began as she took out a machine gun and her sharpened spears, "We’re gonna get those feathers back."

Then an epic battle began as the other birds attacked both The Shreddinator and Pablo.

This is the point where the story book takes like twenty pages to show you the action taking place.

There were at least 10 explosions.

Yet, in the end, Pablo and The Shreddinator had gotten all of his feathers back and had defeathered all of the other birds.

From then on, The Shreddinator would always come back to the park and sing to Pablo, because she still loved him more than anything else in the entire wasteland.

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