Coherent Insanity

By Patrick Fleming
On January 26, 2017

Photo by KaitlinTrujillo

Hello, this is Patrick Fleming, and if you have read any of my earlier column entries, you may notice that I am unusually awesome.

Well, as a public service, I thought I would tell you guys what I do every day so that the average college student may be fantastically awesome too.


1.) Eat a good breakfast: An otherwise active day can be ruined when one is low on energy. Start your day right and eat a big breakfast.

2.) Ignore the voices in your head: We have been through this before, the voices do not have your best interest in mind.

3.) Go to class: Oftentimes, we become so involved with all of the activities on campus, we can forget that we are here for a reason: to learn.

4.) Become bored: Then you remember that your classes are boring and you frantically search your mind for something to do, only to realize that you are not nearly mature enough to handle something like sitting through a lecture.

5.) Give in to the voices: Okay, maybe I was exaggerating before. Just because the voices in your head do not always have the best ideas, they should at least be given the benefit of the doubt.

6.) Leave classroom: Even if it is right in the middle of class and the professor is still speaking, if you leave with attitude, their respect for you will only grow.

Double points if you also manage to flip over a table while leaving.

Triple points if someone is sitting in it at the time.

7.) Wander around campus aimlessly: This may seem easy at first, but you must remember to be as creepy and annoying to as many random people as possible.

This can be done by staring at everyone who walks by you or my personal favorite, just by shouting for no particular reason.

Keep doing this for three hours or four, if you are feeling especially feisty.

8.) Go back to your dorm/hotel/house: Whatever you call it, wherever your home is. This step is so you can recharge and do some tasks you may have been ignoring, like laundry or feeding your albino tiger, Stewart.

If you do not have an albino tiger named Stewart, get one. That is mandatory.

9.) Look in the mirror: See a disappointing husk of a human being staring back at you. Look deep into those blank eyes and understand that you have gone far beyond what is considered humanity.

10.) Smile: For the madness of the world has taken hold of both your mind and soul as you accept that your role in it is as a destroyer of men and progress.

11.) Watch reruns of "Big Bang Theory:" Man, that Sheldon guy is a hoot!

12.) Write your column for your loyal followers: Here’s to you!

13.) Go to bed.

14.) Start over again.

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