Doppleganger, I challenge thee to duel

By Patrick Fleming
On November 18, 2016

Photo by Kaitlin Trujillo

To people who do not know, there is someone else on campus who looks exactly like me. With permission from the Ram Page, I have decided to send him a letter.

Well, congratulations, sir, you have managed to do what I thought was impossible. You seem to have a face as perfect as my own.

However, with a great handsomeness comes great responsibility. I have some requirements for you.

Only use your powers for good. You will come across many people who would willingly follow you into battle, so you will have to be careful with what you lead your legions to do. Try not to use them to riot at Chick-Fil-A if they forget to put pickles on your sandwich.

Don’t commit any crimes. Look, this should be obvious on its own, but now that we have similar faces, I cannot afford to have your sketches or pictures showing up on the news.

It is kind of hard to show up to my classes if concerned citizens keep calling the police when they see my face.

Don’t be a jerk, I guess. I mean, most of this stuff is painfully obvious. If I need to warn you about them, then I probably cannot stop you anyway.

At least not with words.

If you cannot follow these rules, then we will have to be enemies. If so, then let us meet in the tennis court at 11-ish a.m. and battle to the death.

I expect you to bring a samurai sword. I will bring my chainsaw.

You can only bring one teammate, but you are welcome to bring an audience to watch our epic battle.

Now, for your teammate, I suggest you bring someone with battle experience or super strength, because I am bringing a big, striped friend. Get it?

I’m bringing a tiger. A white tiger I once found at a Starbucks. Cool right?

We can start the duel at 11:30 a.m.

You will know me as the man wearing an orange kimono, as well as the fact that I look exactly like you.

Then we can take a lunch break at noon, because nutrition is important. At 12:30 p.m., we can resume and finish this once and for all.

Anyways, I expect our duel to be incredible enough to be told for generations to come or to at least have enough explosions to eventually be made into a Michael Bay movie.

We can talk afterwards. Who knows, we might actually get along.

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